Elaine Grundy: looking for Urban Enlightenment

Creating Breathing Space - Part 2

Another aspect of looking for the space is to look for space around your thoughts.  Many of our beliefs and thoughts are so TIGHT there is no way we can release them, and it feels like that too – like if you released it you would explode – like it’s the ONE thing holding you together!

A wonderful example is taken from a conversation with a friend, see if you can relate to this.  She has a relationship with her dad whereby she can only stand a few moments before the tension starts to build.  He starts talking, and talking and talking and she things ‘oh my god, I can’t STAND this!’  I have this with one of the mums at school, I almost can’t look at her for fear of setting her off on one of her tirades.  Funny, but I think I am going to slap her – it’s such a strong reaction to this poor woman who is literally just standing next to me opening her mouth and making sounds.  Somehow I think the sounds are going to make me explode!

My friend had this epiphany…what would happen to me if I just stood there and listened?  WOULD I actually explode?  The belief that you can’t stand it anymore slowly loosens – there is space.  So she tried it, next time she visited her father she thought to herself, I’m here for an hour, I’m dedicating my time to this, there is nowhere else to be, nothing else to do.  Just sit, listen, engage.  And she did.  Just like that.  Amazing.  Now her thoughts are looser, there is space around it, she knows she CAN stand it, she knows she isn’t going to explode.  With this new information, who knows what can happen?

I was inspired by her.  I tried it with my school mum, I looked her in the eyes, she set off on a run with a minute by minute account of her day from 7am till we met and what else she had to do till 10pm that night.  I listened, nodded and then slapped her on the face.  Heehee, only kidding! 

Ok, so I’ve still got a way to go to loosen this particular one!  If you’ve got a sticky one like this, here’s what I’m doing which helps:

1.       She is so annoying because: (list all the reasons why you think they are so annoying)

2.       If I listen to her/him, what do you fear will happen?

3.       What advice would you give them to help them be less annoying?

For no. 1, turn it around on yourself – can you find examples where you have done this too in your past?

For no 2, do Inquiry – is this belief true? How do you behave toward them when you think its true?  Who would you be without this thought?  Turn it around.

For no 3, turn the advice around on yourself – feel the truth of it and where you could apply it in your own life.

Annoying people are truly a gift for us, they highlight areas we are trying to improve in our own lives, or blind spots that could use a bit of improvement.  Think about your own friends who find others annoying and test it – it’s always easier to see it from the outside.  Honestly, is what they complain about in others also areas that could do with some polishing in their own lives?

The outside world is always our mirror, there are no accidents that what irritates us is what needs fixing in us.  It’s very often hard to see (or admit to) but if you want your own peace, you need to get down and dirty and honest.  If you like your stress, then by all means keep your denial :)

Welcome to Flow

To flow through life is to experience fluidity, flexibility, peace, and an inner joy that comes from being fully present.  Most of us reach for these feelings of peace and joy through striving, achieving, and pushing.  But flow is not resistance, it is the lack of resistance that creates inner peace.

Aligned with my passion for teaching Reiki is personal coaching.  I teach workshops on Law of Attraction, and The Work of Byron Katie.  I help people intent on following their own inner current, and wanting to see it authentically present in every aspect of their lives.

This is my blog on all things flowing, and some not so.  I write about what I learn through my own life, and through watching my students, clients, friends, family.

For all things Reiki as well as Workshops, Talks and fun things to learn, please go to www.reikicentre.com.sg

Write your Ideal Scene and increase your Attraction!

Several years ago I was on a year long Law of Attraction course with Eva Gregory, Attraction Coach Extraordinaire.  I learnt lots of fantastic tips from her and the rest of my year long coaches but my favourite is the 'Ideal Scene'.

Its so simple and so effective.  The first time I wrote this I was living in Long Island, New York.  To be honest I wasn't in a very good space mentally, physically or emotionally.  I had spent the past 3 years at home with my two babies, and was exhausted, and certainly not in flow.  It was a desperate lurch to get myself back into the groove and out of the funk I had allowed myself to sink into, so I had an 'all or nothing' approach to it, and with hindsight I think that's why the first year was so phenomenal for me - I had a huge list of things I wanted to turn around including the continent I lived in, the work I was doing, my relationship with my kids, my husband, myself, my diet and well-being, my emotional state, my community....a pretty long list!

So I just went for it, I figured, I have nothing to loose - its only paper and ink :)

What you do is write the date a year ahead at the top of the page, ie Jan 1st 2010, then you begin "What an incredible year its been!..." or something similar.  Then you write about all the different aspects of your life that you would like to see change, it could be your 'perfect home', your 'perfect relationship' or your 'perfect job' and ideally should cover all aspects of your life that are important to you - run into several pages and make it as rich and juicy and exciting as you dare!

Here's the synopsis of how much stretch I put into mine: (bear in mind I was living in the USA at the time I wrote this and we were settled in a home we owned, my husband was working for a multi-national, and Singapore was nowhere near our discussion list, neither was leaving the US)

1. I wanted to live in Singapore
2. I wanted to celebrate my 40th birthday in Bali with ALL my family, and siblings
3. I wanted to be teaching regularly again
4. I wanted to be doing something worthwhile with my brain again
5. and a whole bunch of personal emotional and relationship balance stuff.

In one year, I achieved all that.  Some aspects were different to what I had imagined, and some took slightly more than a year to actualize, but in all cases I saw massive progress.  So you can see why I now do this every year!

I think part of the magic is in focusing yourself on what you want, and being honest about what aspects of your life are far from ideal.  For example, if you write 'I had a wonderfully nurturing year with my husband and our relationship just grows from strength to strength' and you choke on your tea as you write this - then you know you have some work in this area!  The same goes for anything you write, 'my job fulfills and excites me, I created so much value this year with my projects and connections with my team that my boss gave me a substantial raise! I can't wait to see what this year holds for me'...etc.  Just go for it, whatever makes you excited, passionate, whatever would make you deeply fulfilled and happy, get it all down on paper and create some energy around it.

Eva asked us to be very specific, eg, my boss gave me a raise of $20,000! but I have to say that personally I find such specifics limiting, I prefer words like 'huge' or 'substantial' or 'bigger than I could imagine!'  I also focus more on the kind of feelings I want, rather than the type of 'behaviour' I want, eg. I would prefer to write "my children and I continue to develop a loving and fulfilling relationship based on deep respect for each other" as it helps to be my guiding light - when I am shouting at my kids to 'hurry up' I can do a quick check, is this 'loving' or 'fulfilling' or 'respectful'?  This is much more effective at changing behaviour then writing 'my children are incredible, they are so polite and obedient all the time' which sort of sets you up for failure right there and then :)

Once you have your Ideal Scene,then just move towards it, one step at a time, you'll be amazed at what you can achieve in a year!

Writing your 'Ideal Scene'

Several years ago I was on a year long Law of Attraction course with Eva Gregory, Attraction Coach Extraordinaire.  I learnt lots of fantastic tips from her and the rest of my year long coaches but my favourite is the 'Ideal Scene'.

Its so simple and so effective.  The first time I wrote this I was living in Long Island, New York.  To be honest I wasn't in a very good space mentally, physically or emotionally.  I had spent the past 3 years at home with my two babies, and was exhausted, and certainly not in flow.  It was a desperate lurch to get myself back into the groove and out of the funk I had allowed myself to sink into, so I had an 'all or nothing' approach to it, and with hindsight I think that's why the first year was so phenomenal for me - I had a huge list of things I wanted to turn around including the continent I lived in, the work I was doing, my relationship with my kids, my husband, myself, my diet and well-being, my emotional state, my community....a pretty long list!

So I just went for it, I figured, I have nothing to loose - its only paper and ink :)

What you do is write the date a year ahead at the top of the page, ie Jan 1st 2010, then you begin "What an incredible year its been!..." or something similar.  Then you write about all the different aspects of your life that you would like to see change, it could be your 'perfect home', your 'perfect relationship' or your 'perfect job' and ideally should cover all aspects of your life that are important to you - run into several pages and make it as rich and juicy and exciting as you dare!

Here's the synopsis of how much stretch I put into mine: (bear in mind I was living in the USA at the time I wrote this and we were settled in a home we owned, my husband was working for a multi-national, and Singapore was nowhere near our discussion list, neither was leaving the US)

1. I wanted to live in Singapore
2. I wanted to celebrate my 40th birthday in Bali with ALL my family, and siblings
3. I wanted to be teaching regularly again
4. I wanted to be doing something worthwhile with my brain again
5. and a whole bunch of personal emotional and relationship balance stuff.

In one year, I achieved all that.  Some aspects were different to what I had imagined, and some took slightly more than a year to actualize, but in all cases I saw massive progress.  So you can see why I now do this every year!

I think part of the magic is in focusing yourself on what you want, and being honest about what aspects of your life are far from ideal.  For example, if you write 'I had a wonderfully nurturing year with my husband and our relationship just grows from strength to strength' and you choke on your tea as you write this - then you know you have some work in this area!  The same goes for anything you write, 'my job fulfills and excites me, I created so much value this year with my projects and connections with my team that my boss gave me a substantial raise! I can't wait to see what this year holds for me'...etc.  Just go for it, whatever makes you excited, passionate, whatever would make you deeply fulfilled and happy, get it all down on paper and create some energy around it.

Eva asked us to be very specific, eg, my boss gave me a raise of $20,000! but I have to say that personally I find such specifics limiting, I prefer words like 'huge' or 'substantial' or 'bigger than I could imagine!'  I also focus more on the kind of feelings I want, rather than the type of 'behaviour' I want, eg. I would prefer to write "my children and I continue to develop a loving and fulfilling relationship based on deep respect for each other" as it helps to be my guiding light - when I am shouting at my kids to 'hurry up' I can do a quick check, is this 'loving' or 'fulfilling' or 'respectful'?  This is much more effective at changing behaviour then writing 'my children are incredible, they are so polite and obedient all the time' which sort of sets you up for failure right there and then :)

Once you have your Ideal Scene,then just move towards it, one step at a time, you'll be amazed at what you can achieve in a year!

I’m OK, You’re OK

I was having coffee with a dear friend today and reminded of how any group can become judgmental, even when they have your ‘best interests’ at heart.  My friend was upset because at a recent coaching group meeting, the group had tried to ‘coach’ him around an issue he was having.  The issue came about because he had a difference of opinion with the rest of the group.  It doesn’t matter what the issue was, simply that the rest of the group felt he was wrong – and they were right.  The fact that he was getting angry at their ‘gang’ mentality simply proved he was hiding something!

We are all guilty of this, and I sometimes think the ‘self-help’ world especially so.  We all have our little theories on how the world works, some of us feel so strongly about our beliefs we are happy to go to war over them.  Yet for me, the act of trying to make someone change simply because you feel they ought to, is downright bullying.  My friend felt that his group was trying to show him something that he was somehow blocked on.  And often it is others who can see where we are blocked – and it is great when they point these blind spots out to us so we can grow.  However, this is only the case if the advice is asked for!  If my friend had asked for help, if he had seen a need for help, then their advice would have been accepted, and given, with dignity.  Yet to force our advice onto others – as is what happened in this case, leaves both parties feeling frustrated.  The coaching group felt that my friend was not listening and not shifting his opinion.  And my friend felt he was being bullied and undermined.  Even talking to him today, he feels the group didn’t understand his view, and he feels demeaned as a result.  Hardly a desired outcome for a coaching group! 

The interesting thing about how this works is that we do it all the time!  This coaching group has been together many years and they all love and support each other dearly, I know them all as incredibly thoughtful and supportive people – so how did this outcome happen?  It happens with our partners, our friends, our children.  We love them and want the best for them so we try to ‘help’ to guide and to give them our experience, our wisdom.  But often all we need to do is simply love them, and accept them for who they are and where they are at this particular moment in time.

I asked my friend how it would have felt if instead of advice, he had simply received their unconditional acceptance and love, no questions asked.  You should have seen his face – it really said it all. 

So next time you find yourself frustrated at a loved one for not taking your ‘advice’, try taking a step back and tell yourself to stop bullying them, and try loving them unconditionally instead.  When you see the big smile spread across their face, you’ll see it’s a much better way to live!

What is Coaching and is it for me?

Coaching Creates lasting change. A Coach helps you to focus on what you want in life, helps you to plan, and finally put into action events that will get you there. A Coach provides the sounding board, the support, and the extra motivation to keep you on track. Most importantly, a Coach is always on your side.Changes usually fail because we lack persistence; it’s too easy to fall back on old habits and the way we’ve always done things. For change to last, you need to break the old habit and replace it with a new and healthier one. A Coach provides the encouragement you need to keep persisting.

When we change, all those around us have to change too - and this can be hard for others to support. When we are trying to break out of old molds, sometimes those we love most try to hold us back - not because they don’t love us, but because most people fear change. A coach is an objective yet supportive partner in your efforts to change, especially when you need to create a supportive environment beyond your friends and family.

WHO CAN A COACH HELP?

Anyone who is willing to apply themselves, and wanting to grow. My most successful clients are willing to be 100% honest about themselves, and willing to dig deep. They are usually very courageous, and take action.

Coaching only works when you are motivated to try new ways of thinking, and are open to feeling ‘uncomfortable’ as new habits are formed. People who respond best to coaching are self-aware, enjoy personal growth, and willing to be honest with themselves.

WHY COACHING WORKS

It’s a Partnership not a Crutch!
A coach supports you, yet is independent. The relationship is equal, and respectful. Its not counseling or psychotherapy, the focus is always on what you want to achieve

There are Frequent Meetings and Structure.
Goals and direction are set and weekly reviews are made. It is very motivating, and amazing progress is made! Having accountability means that new habits are much easier to form and keep.

Focus is Holistic.
The aim is to strengthen all areas of your life and not just focus on the issue at hand. Life is much easier, and clearer, when in balance.

Better Goals are Set.
You set the goals you truly want, and are ready for. Higher goals are set because of the support and affirmation you get from the coach.

The work is Deep and Meaningful.
A coach helps you get to the source of what’s happening, instead of working on the surface symptoms. Coaches help you uncover the true issues at work.

You take Effective Action.
The focus is on awareness and action to create the life you want more quickly vs. being ‘busy’. Actions are chosen because they will have a profound impact on your goals, not just to have a hefty ‘to do’ list.

The Law of Attraction is Applied.
When you feel good about yourself, you begin to attract good things into your life, as opposed to chasing it or trying hard to get it. This is when you are in the ‘flow’.

HOW DOES A COACHING SESSION WORK?

A typical coaching session takes place face to face, or via telephone. Sessions are usually 45min to an hour. Conversations might centre around; What’s working and what’s not. Things you are currently stretching for and issues you would like to resolve. Any actions you are currently taking and actions you feel inspired to take in the future. Any barriers you feel resistance to and ways to overcome them.

Every session is focused on finding ways forward, not looking backwards.

Most Coaches offer free introductory sessions so that both Coach and “Coachee” can see if there is a good fit. When you talk to a Coach, have some goals prepared and see what sort of questions the Coach asks you, and whether you have a good ‘gut feel’ about how the session went. Its good to shop around and talk to several Coaches…I always do!

Listening instead of Talking

My mom just left after a week visit, I'm sooooo sad!!!

Mom and I are best friends, she's my inspiration, my mentor, my conscience, the person I want to be when I grow up.  I know, I'm lucky.  It wasn't always like this.  Growing up I was much closer to my dad in personality (opinionated, strong-willed, confident, life and soul of the party!) whilst my mother was much more reserved (as a child I would think of her as meek and mild).  In my mind such a personality would not get you far in the world.  You had to speak your mind or you would be overlooked.  Sad to say I think the majority of our society agrees with me!

Over the years I have realized that having something to say doesn't mean you should necessarily say it.  The wisest and most intelligent people I have met over the years actually say a lot less.  They spend their time listening, and then when they speak they measure the quality of their words, not the quantity.  I think even now I am too much talking, not enough listening. 

My mother listens, she responds with kindness and empathy, she has kept her childlike sense of wonder (that's why her grandchildren adore her!).  Over the years I have come to realize that her way of being is by far more confident and more persevering then any amount of opinionated noise.  Try as I might to emulate her serenity, my mind constantly races on to the 'next' thought that should be voiced.

The great thing about parenting is the lessons we can learn, and the practice it affords us.  Often I find myself jumping in too quickly with my daughter and her thoughts - she'll be asking me a question I think I already know the answer too.  She becomes so frustrated when I get it so wrong.  I'm learning to let her finish and to give her time to collect her thoughts and express herself fully.  I'm learning to be more like her grandmother - listening and not talking. 

Practice makes perfect!

Organizing the dreaded 'To Do List'

Ahh...the ongoing debate, 'to do' or not 'to do' that is the question!!  I like my to do lists when I'm trying to organize something specific, like a party or my trusty Holiday Packing List, but I also love to let go of the daily list and just let it flow, see what mood I'm in and not let 'The List' rule my day. 

I got a wonderful tip afew weeks ago from Eva, my coach, she calls it the Placemat List (I think she got it from Abraham).  What you do is make two columns, on the left you right down ONLY the things you absolutely know you will get done today, and if that's only one thing, then that's just fine.  All the rest of your 'to do's' you write on the right hand side and you give it over to the Universe/ God/ Guardian Angel etc to take care of for you.  It doesn't mean you don't do it, it just means you trust you'll get to it when the time is right, or it will get taken care of, somehow.

Wow, I've been using it and its really fantastic! First of all the sheer bliss of handing it over to a higher power and the relief of all that responsibility.  Second, I can relax about it and so get alot more done anyway.  And Third quite a few of the 'To Dos' have just been superseeded by events or have literally been taken care of by themselves.  Very cool!

Try it for yourself and let me know what you think!