Elaine Grundy: looking for Urban Enlightenment

Lessons in Life

I was reminded of this classic poem today and wanted to share it:

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

 

Eating one mouthful at a time

A friend of mine gifted me a wonderful book by Ajahn Brahm, Opening the Door of your Heart,  There are many lovely learning anecdotes in the book but one of them particularly struck me - being present, I quote directly from the book:

"We often fail to savor the moment.  Instead, while we are chewing on one piece of food, our attention is distracted as we look at our plate to choose the next thing on our fork.  some are even two or three forkfuls ahead of themselves - one forkful is in the mouth, one is waiting on the fork, another is heaped up waiting on the plate, while the mind contemplates the morsel coming third on the fork.

In order to relish the taste of your food, and know life in its fullness, we should often savor one moment at a time in silence.  Then we might get our money's worth in the fivestar restaurant called life."

The following day after reading this I observed myself at lunch.  I was eating a lovely bowl of Vietnamese beef noodles and at the beginning I was doing exactly what Brahm said I would do, one mouthful was chewing, while my fingers where pulling noodles out the bowl to rest on the spoon waiting to be shoveled in while my eyes were thinking about what next.  I was 3 mouthfuls away from reality!  I was shocked!  I put down my chopsticks, my spoon and refocused on my chewing.  My lunch partner had long finished his meal by the time I was half way through but I have to say it was a much more enjoyable experience, I only ate half the bowl as I was able to sense I was full much more accurately than normal (so maybe a great way to watch your weight as well!), and I didn’t notice I got any hungrier because of it.  I have been trying to make it an exercise in presence ever since and I have definitely slowed down my eating and improved my digestion as a result. 

I think the longer term benefit is in helping me practice presence – when we are present we slow down time, appreciate what we have and enjoy life much more fully, rather than chasing after things 3 mouthfuls away!  I have also noticed that in slowing down time we give ourselves space to think and make decisions about the next steps we want to take in life.  Instead of having to have the answer 3 steps away, we can make the decision when the time is right.  When I have fully swallowed one mouthful, then I am in the right place to decide what to have for the next mouthful.  How will I know what I will want in 3 mouthfuls time? 

The Benefits of Losing your Voice

I recently lost my voice, totally, and what a blessing it was!  It came at the tail end of a short but sharp cold and it threw me into fits of coughing every time I opened my mouth.  So for 2 days I could only whisper, but it was far more comfortable to just shut up and watch the world go by.

What surprised me was the lovely freedom that came with it.  For 2 days I couldn’t call anyone, I couldn’t bark instructions at my children, couldn’t plan anything with my husband, couldn’t discuss, complain, direct, defend, authorize, gossip.  The pure joy of it!  It was so peaceful!

My children would wonder the corridors in our home shouting at the tops of their voices, and I realized I would normally be shouting louder, just to be heard.  Yet now they had to come and find me, I could just carry on doing whatever I was doing until they did – no stress, just doing whatever it was I was doing.  Question to self:  Why don’t I do this all the time?  Why do I feel I need to yell out my location every time I am called?

My children experienced the same liberation, instead of the constant stream of instructions coming out of my mouth – eat your breakfast, brush your hair, brush your teeth, stop hitting your sister, hurry up, the bus is coming, brush your teeth!  Come on!  Shoes on, shoes on, bag, BAG, lift is here, come on, come on!  We’re LATE, COME ON! - Which is the usual commentary in our morning household, there was a quiet and gentle presence as I cajoled, herded and waved my arms in an altogether calmer and quieter manner.  I had to be very present and constantly by their sides so they could see me as opposed to yelling at them from the other room whilst multi-tasking – it was a MUCH better experience!  Amazingly we didn’t miss the bus, we didn’t rush (any more than normal!), and we got everything done we needed to do without the shouting and panic.  Big note to self.

The final observation was how lovely it was to not have the constant thinking of what to say going round my head.  This was a surprise to me, I am constantly thinking about what I should be saying next – it doesn’t just come out of my mouth in a stream, I have to first formulate the need to talk, then formulate the thoughts I want to communicate (and what is freaky is that my mind’s resting state is pretty empty – I actually spend energy making thoughts up!), then think about how I want to phrase it, then actually deliver it.  What an exhausting process!  When I was mute, what amazed me was how little I needed to say, it was so nice not to have to think about it, I could just let the world be without the constant need to provide a commentary.  Bliss!

Now my voice is pretty much recovered, the stream has strengthened back to a river, the commentary is comfortably back in place, but I am hoping it is a little less forced, a little less self-conscious, and a little more meaningful.

Everything happens for a reason!  Have you ever been ill and had a big ‘aha’ moment from it?  Comment below!

The Excuses of “Self-Development”

We in the self-development field have to be extra vigilant that we don’t replace one rigid belief system, with another.  In our search for more peace, more happiness, we are programmed and trained to look outside of ourselves.  We look to our parents, to our friends, to our education, our job, our governments, our country, our communities…the trick is, of course, to look within, at ourselves.  But even for those of us who know and understand this, DOing it is a completely different thing….

A friend came to me in a quandary; she has been working very consciously on building healthy boundaries between herself and her husband.  Their relationship in the past has been rather one sided (he dictates, she obeys).  Obviously as the shift to a more equal partnership has taken place, there has been much kicking and screaming as both sides have had to adjust to the ‘new’ style of relationship.  She is much happier, though he possibly isn’t, but he’s getting used to it and seeing other benefits (namely a much happier and friendlier wife!).  Throughout this process I have been coaching her to continue her search for inner peace within, and not let outside influences affect her so much – the number one job for all of us.

Her quandary came about one evening when she was feeling a bit fearful of the future, of what that might hold for them and their family.  Her Husband told her that she ‘wasn’t allowed’ to feel down and depressed as that was his job (to be the worrier).  Her job was to be the rock, the positive and optimistic one.  Well, that sent her into a right little mood!  She came to me complaining and upset “why do I always have to be the rock, why can’t he support me when I’m feeling down, it’s always on my shoulders to be responsible for everyone else’s happiness”.  Fair points, all of them – why should she?  Well the point, of course, is that she doesn’t have to do any of these things.  Her stress is coming from the thought “I have to do/be… this that the other”.

She had already analyzed the situation “he’s crossing my boundaries again, he’s using me and sucking my energy dry – I can feel it!  He’s hooking into my Solar Plexus!  No wonder I’m exhausted all the time, he’s using me like a vampire!”  Ouch!  Well, she had read all the right books!  Coaching 101 around Boundaries, Brennan on Energy Vampires, Myss on Chakras….but did it really matter that she had all the correct language for the ‘New Age Self Developed Woman’?  No, not really.  At the end of the day, she was still looking outside herself to blame and label and excuse.

Essentially the question is, “Do you WANT to feel down and depressed because of your fear?”  Of course not! She said with a start.  “So why”, I asked, “are you blaming your husband for stating a fact and highlighting to you your negative behavior?”  If you want to feel depressed than do so, but please don’t blame your husband for pointing it out.

Ahh, how freeing to truly own your own mood!  How delicious to be honest and brave enough to say “Thank you husband darling for pointing out my negative behavior!  I have told you many times before that I am striving for more peace and happiness in my life and you are highlighting my actions and my thoughts to me whenever I deviate from my course…Thank you!!”

Decide who you want to be in this world, then be it.  And thank graciously and genuinely anyone who is helping you stay on your path.

Be Happy First, Change Your Life Second

Do you think in order to be happy you have to improve your life, reach your goals, or change something? Actually it is actually the other way round. Once you realize you can be happy right NOW even with your life in total chaos - THEN change can occur, and will occur effortlessly.Focus on being happy and the rest will follow.

Here’s an example: Imagine its 5pm. The kids are tired and hungry. They’re whining for food, for TV, for juice, for hugs. You’re tired and stressed out. You’re juggling the hot saucepan whilst trying to reason with your eldest who’s throwing a tantrum because you mixed her peas in with her carrots. You’re starting to panic because you’ve got company tonight and the house looks like a bomb hit it. Then your youngest throws his plate on the floor and splatters food everywhere. Pause….What’s your next response?

Throw a tantrum too?

Take a deep breath, laugh, or just relax?

Either choice…..what’s the consequence of each response?

1. By throwing a tantrum or getting exasperated you choose to escalate the tension. You get angry, you huff and puff whilst clearing up the mess, you raise your voice and feel uptight. Your children feel bad, mommy’s angry and it’s their fault, they get whinier still vying for your attention. Your spiral of anger and frustration increases.

2. By laughing, or relaxing you choose to defuse it. You release the tension in your body, your children get to laugh with you “oops, look what just happened, lets be more careful next time, ok?” The tension evaporates; you remember how wonderful your children are. The whining is exchanged for playfulness.

In both cases, you still have to clear up the mess and prepare the house for guests – but it is not hard to see which response will be more fun, and bring more happiness to you and your children. You are not the victim here, you are in control – you choose your response, no one else does it for you.

Happiness is a Habit!

No one says being in control of your response is easy! The key is to keep practicing your response. Simply practicing and choosing to be happy will have an immediate impact on your outlook. Try this exercise…

…think about an event that brings you great joy - a fabulous achievement, a wonderful holiday, the birth of your child, your marriage day....anything that you can remember clearly as being a happy time. Bring up the memory again in your mind, close your eyes and fill your mind with the memory. Breath deeply into the memory, visualize it as clearly as you can with all your senses - what can you see, feel, hear, touch, smell. Can you feel the same feelings of joy and happiness? Because you can re-create it in your imagination, it means it is always available to you. Feelings of happiness come from WITHIN, not from without!

For the following few days, consciously remind yourself of this happy memory as often as you can (write post-its, pop-up email reminders, anything to keep you constantly changing your thought habits). Don't just think of a person (eg. child, loved one) but think of an occasion with the person that was a happy one - its easier for your mind to attach an emotion to a particular incident, and easier for you to recall.

Take care to do this at a deeper level than simply thinking 'I'm happy'! You need to remember the incident with your heart. For some of us it may mean creating 'quiet time' for a few minutes every few hours. Try it every time you go to the bathroom!

Watch out for your inner self-sabotage, that voice that says”this is so fake!” and ask your inner voice “Why would you prefer me to feel angry?!” Some days you will prefer to feel frustrated or sad or angry – but this is your choice, even if you have the worst day in the world, you can still choose to remember a happy memory, or to submerse yourself in the negativity of the events around you. These are your thoughts, choose the happy ones!